(1)	Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the
	furniture, shelves, and showcases.
(2)	Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks.
	Wash the windows once a week.
(3)	Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of
	coal for the day's business.
(4)	Make your pens carefully.  You may whittle nibs to your
	individual taste.
(5)	This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except
	on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed.  Each
	employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending
	church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord.
		-- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
		    Works, 1872
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(6)	Men employees will be given time off each week for courting
	purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church.
(7)	After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the
	office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible
	and other good books.
(8)	Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly
	sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years,
	so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters.
(9)	Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink
	in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets
	shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect
	his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty.
(10)	The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and
	without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of
	five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the
	business permit it.
		-- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage Works, 1872
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A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and
ask for it back the when it begins to rain.
		-- Robert Frost
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A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.
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A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
as afterward.
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A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.
		-- Paul Valery
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A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
		-- Milton Berle
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A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
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A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the
seed from which other committees will bloom.
		-- Parkinson
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A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.
		-- R. Stallman
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A company is known by the men it keeps.
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A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it
is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
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A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.
		-- Dyer
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A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased
in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at
each corner.  The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting
and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device.  Here also are
the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn.
	At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as
well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller.  The central portion
houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit.  Briefly, this consists of four
fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network
of flexible plumbing.  This assembly also contains the central heating plant
complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main
ventilating system.  The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of
this central section.
	Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and
colors.  Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year.  In
brief, the main external visible features of the cow are:  two lookers, two
hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy.
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A feed salesman is on his way to a farm.  As he's driving along at forty
m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running
alongside him, keeping pace with his car.  He is amazed that a chicken is
running at forty m.p.h.  So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty
m.p.h.  The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly
takes off and disappears into the distance.
	The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know,
the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least
sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!"
	"Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours.  You see, there's
me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy.  Whenever we had chicken for
dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens.
So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could
have a drumstick."
	"How do they taste?" said the farmer.
	"Don't know," replied the farmer.  "We haven't been able to catch
one yet."
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A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.
		-- Robert Benchley
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A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine.
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A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while
the policeman searches you.
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A man is known by the company he organizes.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
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A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
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A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.
		-- Dean Acheson
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A motion to adjourn is always in order.
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A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
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A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now
has no excuse for further procrastination.
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A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for granite.
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... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you
were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and
a fly-by-night.  These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle
Bigger Propositions.  But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical
and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot
that he didn't force you down on the asking price.
		-- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt"
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A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three
wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels.
Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer
sitting in the yard watching the pig.
	"That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman.
	"Sure is, son," the farmer replied.  "Why, two years ago, my daughter
was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that
pig swam out and dragged her back to shore."
	"Amazing!"  the salesman exclaimed.
	"And that's not the only thing.  Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on
the north forty when a tree fell on me.  Pinned me to the ground, it did.
That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me.
Saved my life."
	"Fantastic!  the salesman said.  But tell me, how come the pig has
three wooden legs?"
	The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement.  "Mister, when you
got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once."
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A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
		-- Samuel Goldwyn
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About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
		-- Herbert Hoover
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According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something
everyone should do at least 6 times a day.  In an effort to increase the
national average  (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in
smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and
most importantly, to smile.  Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly
that they can not only meet but surpass the national average...  except for
Tubby Ackerman.  But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around
parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox
decided to give him a break.  If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have
a sheepish grin.  This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly
sheepish grin" comes from.
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According to all the latest reports, there was no truth in any of the
earlier reports.
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Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest
way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
		-- Sinclair Lewis
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Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.
		-- George Orwell
%
Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human
intelligence long enough to get money from it.
%
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
%
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
month than you did before.
%
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
%
All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too,
provided you use them for business purposes.  For example, if you subscribe
to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the
cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief
Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: "Where else are you
going to read the paper?  Outside?  What if it rains?"
		-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
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All this big deal about white collar crime -- what's WRONG with white collar
crime?  Who enjoys his job today?  You?  Me?  Anybody?  The only satisfying
part of any job is coffee break, lunch hour and quitting time.  Years ago
there was at least the hope of improvement -- eventual promotion -- more
important jobs to come.  Once you can be sold the myth that you may make
president of the company you'll hardly ever steal stamps.  But nobody
believes he's going to be president anymore.  The more people change jobs
the more they realize that there is a direct connection between working for
a living and total stupefying boredom.  So why NOT take revenge?  You're not
going to find ME knocking a guy because he pads an expense account and his
home stationery carries the company emblem.  Take away crime from the white
collar worker and you will rob him of his last vestige of job interest.
		-- J. Feiffer
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All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun.
Money's just the way we keep score.
		-- Henry Tyroon
%
All warranty and guarantee clauses become null and void upon payment of invoice.
%
America works less, when you say "Union Yes!"
%
American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees
be honest and hardworking.  It has even stopped hoping for employees who are
educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and
the women's room without having little pictures on the doors.
		-- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister"
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An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's
chance to kiss the tea-girl.  It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the
Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone
who has seen the Managing Director face on).
		-- Katherine Whitehorn, "Roundabout"
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Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed
to be doing at the moment.
		-- Robert Benchley
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Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
		-- Publius Syrus
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Anyone can make an omelet with eggs.  The trick is to make one with none.
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Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
%
Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.  The label means the
price went up.  The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
means the price went way up.
%
"At least they're ___________EXPERIENCED incompetents"
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At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume.
		-- Peter G. Alaquon
%
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
number of pens that person is carrying.
%
Be sociable. Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.
%
Been Transferred Lately?
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... before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech
or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility.  What
did it matter what anyone knew or ignored?  What did it matter who was
manager?  One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of
this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my
power of meddling.
		-- Joseph Conrad
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Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson
Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate.
Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and
great effort pushing boulders into a single word.

It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.
Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin
equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the
destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass
both Parliament and Party.

It stands today, a monument to human spirit.  If life exists on other
planets, this may be the first message received from us.
		-- The Realist, November, 1964.
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Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather
a new wearer of clothes.
		-- Henry David Thoreau
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Biz is better.
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Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel.
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Bullwinkle:	You just leave that to my pal.  He's the brains of the outfit.
General:	What does that make YOU?
Bullwinkle:	What else?  An executive.
		-- Jay Ward
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Business is a good game -- lots of competition and minimum of rules.
You keep score with money.
		-- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari
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Business will be either better or worse.
		-- Calvin Coolidge
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"But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations' paws."
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But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a
brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and
lived in New Jersey.  Edison's first major invention in 1877, was the
phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where
it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented.  But Edison's
greatest achievement came in 1879, when he invented the electric company.
Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit:
the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then
immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is
the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again.

This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of
electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few
customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact the
last year any new electricity was generated in the United States was 1937;
the electric companies have been merely re-selling it ever since, which is
why they have so much free time to apply for rate increases.
		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
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	By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in
the South, were of the present standard gauge.  The southern roads were
still five feet between rails.
	It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard,
in one day.  This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May
of 1886.  For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the
axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which
could run on the new track as soon as it was ready.  Finally, on the day set,
great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn.  Everywhere one
rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its
new position.  By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate
over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere
was possible.
		-- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957
%
By working 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